A Busy Congress

Whew! Watching Congress in action these last few days has left me breathless. In order to show they care about America, they've placed 2 items at the top of their agenda. We might expect one of these items to be healthcare for all Americans or improving our educational system (sadly, educational improvements did not take place before some of these yahoos made it to Congress). These issues are important, sure, but Congress has set its sights even higher.

First on the past week's agenda was Congress' concern for steroid use among professional athletes. They just don't think MLB has done enough to curtail steriod use. They had to step in and do something about it, or our American way of life would be threatened! C'mon - if discovering and using an unfair advantage isn't the American way, what the hell is?

The second major threat to our way of life is a person's right to die with dignity. I want to applaud President Bush and our Congress for rushing back to Washington at taxpayer expense to restore a feeding tube to a woman who has been brain-dead for 15 years! Now, everyone's got an opinion on this, so let's get serious for a moment: How many of you would want to continue living in the state that Terri Schiavo is in? Not me! I'm on vacation at the moment, but you can bet I'll be working on that living will as soon as I get back home!

We live in scary times, folks! Congress is feeling its oats. Who knows what they'll tackle next? Government ownership of the NHL? A rutabaga's right to live? Better keep an eye on your congresspeople. You've heard the motto "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Well, the new Congressional motto is: "We may not be able to fix it, but we can sure as hell screw it up better than you!"

Athletes Have All the Luck

I’ve been thinking about this whole steroid scandal and it pisses me off. Professional athletes have millions of dollars and fans all over the world. They get to play games for a living on national TV. Some of them even have women waiting for them everywhere they go (shhh, that’s supposed to be a secret, no thanks to Kobe). But is all of this enough? NO!

These athletes have another perk: Real scientists working in laboratories to provide them with the safest, finest, undetectable performance-enhancing substances in the world. Well, America, it’s time we stood up and demanded equal treatment from these labs! Where are the performance-enhancing drugs for the Average Joe? I’m talking about homework drugs, housework drugs, construction drugs, lawyering drugs (OK, maybe we could do without those), soldier drugs, secretary drugs, CEO drugs, creativity drugs!

Imagine the possibilities! Sure, there are street drugs which can temporarily help, but they can be dangerous – and they’re detectable. As Americans, we deserve equal consideration when it comes to artificial, untraceable means of performance enhancement! (Wiener drugs are a start, but they’re only for men, and by the time you need them you likely have a health condition which prevents you from using them.)

America needs help! Everyone needs to improve their performance! I urge all of you to write to the scientists at BALCO, your congress(wo)men and even the owners of sports franchises. It’s about time they gave something back to the fans who can barely afford a seat at a sporting event. Stand up and demand your right to high-quality, undetectable substances!

Yes, this is cheating, but let’s face it: We can’t all be the best in our professions. That’s why we should legalize performance-enhancing drugs! Why work to improve ourselves when there’s always going to be someone who’s better? I say take a pill, kick that person’s ass and be home for dinner, with a promotion and a pay raise!

No doubt, some of you will object. But how many of you buy tickets to professional sporting events and watch them on TV, knowing that some of the players are great only because they’re on steroids? You’ve already bought into the system and helped finance their habit! It’s time to stop enjoying these drugs vicariously and buy from the source!

I’m calling BALCO right now…damn, the number’s been disconnected. Maybe they should have created some scientist-enhancing drugs first!

What's Up with Sponge Bob?

Jeez, I don’t know how I missed this. After seeing references in Entertainment Weekly and on the Academy Awards, I had to track this story down. Apparently some conservative groups, such as Focus on Family and the American Family Association, have determined that Sponge Bob Square Pants is a homosexual – or at least, he promotes homosexuality. Several news agencies picked up the story.

I swear, some people have waaayyy too much time on their hands (like bloggers). But, in some ways I can see how folks might come to the conclusion that Sponge Bob is gay. All it takes is a little digging. Here are some of the indicators of Sponge Bob’s gayness:

• He views his world as a place of wonder and excitement – GAY!
• He has no desire to hurt anyone – GAY!
• He’s been known to hold hands with his best male friend – GAY! (I’m waiting for the AFA’s stance on football players holding hands in a ‘huddle.’)
• He’s kind, even to people who hate him – GAY!
• He’s being used in a video to promote tolerance of people with different backgrounds and lifestyles – SUPER GAY!

The gay community should be proud that national conservative groups have done their research and discovered these fine qualities in homosexuals. If it weren’t for the work of such organizations, we never would have known the truth!

I am a bit concerned, however, that other cartoon and children’s characters have been missed. Sure, they nailed Tinky Winky, but what about:

• Bugs Bunny: Wears women’s clothing, serenades and kisses Elmer Fudd.
• Foghorn Leghorn: A bachelor who never hooks up with any chickens.
• Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh: Lives alone and is obsessively tidy.
• The Pink Panther: He’s pink, for god’s sake!
• Baloo Bear: Hangs around with a half-naked boy in the jungle, also dresses as a female.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I guess we tend to see what we want in cartoon characters. Good thing it doesn’t apply to people, right?